There is often this crude feeling that I must create, even when nothing is clicking. When I have no ideas or gears grinding in this little head of mine. Often... Who's Online | Find Members | Private Messages
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From the Journal of 1-800vertigo | mood: Spent

I ramble

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1 month ago - Monday 8/30/21 - 12:29:08 AM EST (GMT-5)
There is often this crude feeling that I must create, even when nothing is clicking. When I have no ideas or gears grinding in this little head of mine.

Often I find myself reminiscing about things when I get in this "dumpy" mood. Like I'm desperately trying to find something to write about.

My great aunt had some pictures she let me go through. There was this one of me when I was a toddler, I had this very neutral expression, my hair still extra curly and my little earrings shining. It reminds me of how my mother always says "you never wanted anybody to hold you, or look at you you would cry if I tried to cuddle you for too long": and how everyone says I would hide in cabinets, closets, under beds, and take naps with people in the room without them knowing. I don't know. I just think that perhaps, this part of me is very true.

1 month ago - Monday 8/30/21 - 12:37:50 AM EST (GMT-5)
Several months ago when I was in the middle of a serve mental breakdown I did this. I was arguing with someone and I just couldn't take it anymore, and I laid down on the back wall next to the couch. And it was like this switch flipped, I made no sound, and disappeared for several hours.

I think my body finds it relaxing as I consider those moments of disappearing as safe, which I guess isn't the best. My body still does a lot of things that I wish it would "get over"

I get these like false alarm sounds. Like a car, the door opening, a glass setting down on a table, lots of sounds, that just wake me up. It sends like a jolt of panic through my body. I could be drunk, high, and then sent into survival mode if something makes its way to me.
1 month ago - Monday 8/30/21 - 12:47:42 AM EST (GMT-5)
I'm trying really hard to let these things go. To eat slow, to sleep hard, to let me body be loose, to not jump or scream. But there are just things that are ingrained into me.

I often find these things slipping out. I immediately chaste myself for letting it happen or explaining, because to me its just something that happened some week some time ago. Its not crazy to me, but to other people it is. Its insane.
1 month ago - Monday 8/30/21 - 9:50:40 AM EST (GMT-5)
You do you with no sh*ts given



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